It’s no secret that parenting is a tough gig. But creating a happier home environment for all (including yourself!) doesn’t require grand gestures, expensive resources or a degree in child psychology. It’s the small, consistent actions that make a lasting difference.
Teachappy recently teamed up with the brilliant Susie Robbins, behaviour specialist and founder of Resolve to Play, to deliver a workshop for parents exploring simple, evidence-backed strategies to foster happier, healthier homes.
Here are five things from the workshop that families can experiment with.
Focus on number 1
You’ll have heard the cliches before – ‘you can’t pour from an empty cup’ or ‘you need to put on your oxygen mask first’. As unhelpful as these platitudes might feel in the moment, the fact is that unless you prioritise your own wellbeing first, you simply won’t have the reserves to support your family’s. Think of those moments that have required your patience and understanding but have resulted in the opposite response, simply because you had nothing left in the tank to give (we’ve all been there!).
Not convinced?
Well, a study from the London School of Economics showed that the single biggest family determinant of a child’s wellbeing is the mental health of their primary caregiver.
So, by looking after your own wellbeing first, you really are doing it for the kids!
Tip: Start small and choose an area that you feel you can focus on – prioritising rest and sleep, eating more healthily or increasing your physical activity each day day. Find what’s manageable, make some small changes and see how you feel after a week or two. The Just One Thing podcast is great for inspiration!
Grow your support network
For hundreds of thousands of years, humans raised families as part of large tribes of anywhere between 50 and 100 people. Work and childcare responsibilities were shared out amongst everyone. Today, the average UK family size is 2.4 people (the 0.4 must be a toddler!) and parents try and do it all. It’s no surprise that research shows that there is a ‘Parent Happiness Gap’ where parents in the UK report being less satisfied with their lives than non-parent couples.
There are some countries, however, where the parent-happiness gap is positive! Parents in Portugal, for example, experience the highest happiness levels of all. In Portugal, grandparents and the wider family play a much bigger role in raising children, providing support and respite for parents and lowering the burden of raising a family whilst working.
This research shows that growing our support networks is one of the best things we can do for our family’s wellbeing.
Tip: Make small steps to start building your network by reaching out to other parents to ask for help for just an hour after school and make the offer to reciprocate. If available, reach out to your wider family for support. Even though we may feel we should be able to cope by ourselves, evolution shows us otherwise so practice asking your wider family or childcare support now and then (it does get easier with practice!).
Avoid Social Comparison
As Susie explains sometimes parents can hold themselves to standards that are simply unattainable which inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy. Re-adjusting our expectations to more realistic standards, and accepting that when we’re trying our best, our best is ‘good enough’, can be a game-changer in relieving some of the stress and anxiety of parenting. Susie’s one big tip is to avoid situations where comparison to others is inevitable – including social media!
“Places like social media are responsible for making the gap between ‘our ideal selves’ and reality feel bigger. It’s really important to check what you’re consuming and if it’s in any way making you feel bad about yourself, mute it, unfollow it!”
Importantly, how we feel about ourselves, as parents, will inevitably feed into how we interact with our children. When we feel better our interactions are more positive and therefore it’s likely that their behaviour will be more positive.
Tip: Put some time aside to go through your social media platforms and unfollow the accounts that bring up the tendency in you to draw comparison or make you feel less than good. From influencers to acquaintances, having a regular detox can be extremely cathartic and keep your feed positive.
Teach Children To Embrace Challenges
As tempting as it is for caregivers to smooth the path for our children, the fact is that healthy stress – that is time-limited and followed by a recovery period - is an essential part of growth and development. As psychologist Dr Lucy Foulkes explains, “We shouldn’t design our lives (or our children’s lives) to avoid stress altogether. In fact, the evidence suggests a certain level of stress is better than no stress at all.”
The ‘Stretch Zone’ model is a really useful tool to help children (and adults) understand the learning process. It highlights that, when we move out of our comfort zone by learning something new or doing something for the first time, it can feel challenging, uncomfortable and, importantly, we will likely make mistakes. All of these things are natural and essential for growth. With the right support and regular practice, children can learn to get ‘comfortable with being uncomfortable’, but this is a long-term strategy, not a quick-fix!
Tip: Normalise feelings of discomfort when your child is learning or trying something new. Nerves, butterflies in the tummy, having some self-doubt are all completely normal when we’re outside of our comfort zone. Reassure your child, let them know you’re there for them but ultimately, you want your child to know that you have faith in their ability to handle this new challenge. The more we help children learn how to handle the stress of doing tricky things the more it builds up their ‘stress inoculation’ over time.
Rupture & Repair
All relationships naturally experience some friction, or what psychotherapist Philippa Perry calls ‘ruptures’. Ruptures can be when we lose our patience with our child, when we ignore our partner because we were too engrossed in our phones, or when our children call us names because they didn’t get what they wanted from us. According to Perry though, what matters more is how we repair our relationships once ruptures occur. Just like when a broken bone heals back stronger, if ruptures and repairs are dealt with in a healthy way, then it is these moments that make relationships even stronger than before.
So, when you inevitably lose your cool with your children (and vice versa!) refrain from berating yourself and feeling like you are the world’s worst parent. Remember that, when the time is right, this is an opportunity for a repair that can bring you and your child even closer together.
Tip: Think about your family rhythms and natural moments of reconnection and how you might be able to incorporate these into moments of repair should you need to. Bedtime and sharing stories can be a brilliant way to explore emotions and make sense of the world through characters and scenarios that we might find difficult to face head on. This time in the day is often a time of natural closeness as we snuggle up just before bed and a great opportunity to reconnect after a rupture. Repairs can be opportunity for us adults to model to our children how to apologise for our actions if we’ve behaved in a way we have later regretted.
Looking for more tips on creating happier homes? Access the live recording of Adrian and Susie’s workshop, Happier Homes.
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